DAY 219

DAY 219
11.09.07
TREE 143

Rachel left this morning and biked to school.  Norman and Jennifer had stayed the night with relatives and spent the day checking out downtown Portland.  I stayed at the house trying to get things organized.  Things to pack, things to ship, things to give away, and things to sell.  I was getting incredibly overwhelmed and instead of being productive I walked around a lot freaking out.  Then I took a nap.  Things weren’t going well.  I found some things that made this breakup real.  I had left everything as if I fully intended to return and start planning a wedding and a life with Rachel.  Instead I’m separating what’s mine and leaving emptiness in its place.  A harsh visual reality.  I needed help.  I wanted to ask Norman because that’s what he came here to do… but I didn’t want to take him away from his vacation.  I wanted to think I could handle this by myself… but I just couldn’t.  The one thing I know I could and had to do was climb a tree.  I left candy on the counter and a freshly made cup of hot cider. 

I walked across the street to the park and chose a mossy old knobby tree.  I needed a challenge I could tackle and overcome.  I didn’t want an easy climb.  And this was tough.  The bark and branches were very slippery. 

And to get in them I had to scale the trunk using only bumps and knots.  But I made it in.  Then I very carefully made my way up into the middle of the tree.  My feet slipped a lot so I made sure to rest them at the base of each limb with the trunk for support.  I got up to the top and took in the foggy, hazy day. 

I took some pictures and didn’t think about packing. 

Then I started to climb down, then stopped.  I had an idea.  I would pick up Norman, we’d put up yard sale signs, and I would accomplish that task.  I had to make progress.  The climb gave me that moment of clarity, that break from overwhelming stress to clear my mind and think straight.  I realize this daily climb has become so much more than just a task for an art project.  I have come to depend on it for structure, comfort, connection to me and to the outside.  It helps me to see what is important and it helps me to relax.  Yet at the same time it helps me focus.  I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.  I don’t think I want to.

11-10-08:  That was probably the most difficult day of the trip.  It was just hard to get started.  I am so grateful for Norman’s help on that trip.  He’sa doer and never questions it, just acts.  If he has trouble getting things accomplished I’ve never seen it.  He was a very good person to have along.  And Rachel too… she’s a doer and she helped a lot too in the following days.  I wonder if I surround myself with people who are very productive in hopes that it rubs off on me?  Perhaps. 

I also this that this entry must have really solidified the larger importance that tree climbing had become for me.  It has been the cure for so many of my ailments that it’s more than I can describe.  If you wanted to know why I climb trees… this represents a big part of it.

…

On this past Friday night I biked over to Portland (the neighborhood in the West end of Louisville) to check out possible studio space.  I got there early as I do everywhere I sat on front stoop of the building to wait for Aron Conaway to show up.  As I sat there in the cold I felt oddly calm and warm… my eyes glazed over and I just zoned out for a few minutes.  A post bike ride coma perhaps.  Then I blinked and my left contact popped out.  I caught it with my hand and got out my spare contact case I always carry with me for just these instances.  I unscrewed the cap for the left side and then went to put the contact in the solution but the contact was no longer in my palm.  I started to search and realized I was sitting over a collection of fallen leaves.  I got my bike light and searched in vain for the small clear object in the shadows of countless folds of dried foliage.  Just then Aron arrived and I gave up the search.  He showed me the building and we had a discussion with Hallie about various art topics, all while I struggled to balance the blurry and clear vision.  I had spotted a large oak tree just outside the building on the other side of the fence separating residential life from the Interstate and readied myself to climb once I left the building. 

I locked up my bike and hopped the fence.  I felt strangely out of control due to my impaired vision.  I managed to climb into the tree and when I started to move up through the branches I found myself hitting and breaking limbs all over. 

Needless to say, when I got to my high point I was just struggling to see out from the tree let alone able to stay still for good pictures. 

(you see those ball like things on the limbs in the picture above?  I don’t remember those at all… I wasn’t really focusing up there)

I am a little disturbed that loosing one contact affected me so much.  I have climbed in pitch blackness and had less problems.  I think it was the unevenness that was screwing me up.  I also think it was my place in the tree, the high think limbs that wouldn’t stay still, and a lack of openness in the branches for me to see out from my spot in the tree.  It wasn’t until I climbed down a few branches that I got a really good shot of the skyline and I-64 that I was hoping for.

When I got down I hopped back over the fence and raced back home to get a new contact.  Then I felt renewed and ready for the night.